I think my favorite comments over the past couple of days were about how Clive and I had Ash out of wedlock. Do people still seriously care about that kind of thing? I had no idea. Then again, I’ve never been to church, will never be to church, am not baptized or christened or whatever you call it and am completely god-free. Ash will also not be christened (though he’ll be able to make his own decision regarding religion as he grows up). Clive was brought up Catholic but hasn’t been to church in ten years and is also god-free. Clive and I have been together for almost four years, we got engaged eleven months and two days after we met for the first time and I thought we’d go unmarried for many years because, frankly, I don’t care that much about marriage- it doesn’t hold as much significance to me as it does to some people. Ash was a planned pregnancy, despite what some people have tried to spread rumors about, and Clive and I have never, ever said an “oops” or “uh oh” or “what did we do, can we make it through this, I don’t love you anymore, let’s break up, it’s not working” about Ash or our relationship EVER. We’re as strong as we ever have been. I appreciate how many hours he has to work, he appreciates me and my hard work spending my days and nights with Ash and owning two businesses. We both think the other person is incredible and we’re looking forward to going on our honeymoon in TWO DAYS. Whoo hoo!
But seriously? Having a child out of wedlock is the funniest thing that people said. It didn’t even occur to me while I was pregnant or giving birth or raising my son for the past 14 months. I’m so far removed from any kind of religion that it didn’t even cross my mind. I think the concept of a “god” is so arbitrary and illogical that it really surprises me when I see church parking lots full on Sunday mornings. I went by one this weekend when people were leaving church and I swear I only saw about five people under the age of 50. That’s saying something, isn’t it?
This is an excellent choice, isn’t it? Bringing up religion after basically calling a very popular blogger a child abuser. When will I learn my lesson?
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So I can’t say that all the comments didn’t teach me something. Here’s what I’ve realized:
Attachment parenting isn’t the norm in North America. HOWEVER, it is the norm in a LOT of other countries all over the world. If I didn’t loan out my “Happiest Baby on the Block” book to a new mom, I would be able to quote Harvey Karp talking about ancient methods of keeping babies happy and how in some cultures it’s the norm for babies to be held 24 hours a day by women in the community for something like the first two months of their life. I can only dream of something as beautiful as that happening now. I wonder what happened to us that we lost that basic instinct.
Also, to quote a friend that emailed me with a very, very good point: “I thought that one could make the case that attachment parenting is the “biologically correct” way to do it… Pretty much every traditional or indigenous culture does attachment parenting and is deeply opposed to the “cry it out” theory. I was reading today as well that in hunter-gatherer societies that only 2-5 hours a day were spent on “work” (food and shelter), so I think that if we look back in history, parents spent SERIOUS time with kids, and the harsher the environment, the closer the parent-child bond is… So I think one could argue that attachment parenting produces a biologically more successful kid.”
Most moms in North America believe that a crying child is just a crying child, especially at night time. I do not. You may believe that letting a child cry with both help their lung development (!! it doesn’t!!), but mostly that it will teach them to “self sooth” and they will be a more independent child because of it.
I, on the other hand, differ from that belief. I believe that a crying child isn’t trying to inconvenience you, IS trying to communicate wants/needs (and depending on the age, the wants ARE the NEEDS- there is no difference with an infant), and that by letting them cry, you’re not only making them release cortisol, a stress hormone and hard wiring their brain, but breaking down their basic trust foundation.
I believe that by giving a child a firm trust foundation- one which says that mom/dad will always be there when you need me, no matter if it’s day or night- you’re going to give them a high sense of self-esteem and therefore the child will be independent all on his or her own.
I think me calling CIO “child abuse” is what got a lot of people up in arms about it- both times I wrote an entry about it. I understand it’s hard to hear. I think there’s a fine line though. Do you consider spanking “child abuse”? Some of you do- it’s hitting after all. Some of you think, “it’s just a swat on the bottom, it doesn’t matter.” It’s all up to interpretation- it’s how you’re raised, it’s the books you’ve read it’s the people you surround yourself with.
I believe that if you have to put earplugs in your ears or check into a hotel in order to help silence your basic maternal instinct of PLEASE STOP DOING WHAT YOU’RE DOING, there’s something wrong. There’s a parenting fad in North America that’s extremely hands-off parenting. Push your babies around in strollers. Get them a bottle, not a boob. Don’t nurse too long or you’ll still be nursing at age 8 (as I’ve been accused of- um, hello! My baby is not even 14 months old, and yes, still nursing, but it does not mean he’ll be nursing when he’s 8, you fucking idiot- also, he’s allergic to cow’s and goat’s milk and it’s the WHO and the AAP and the Canadian Paediatric’s recommendation to nurse until AGE TWO- and that’s exactly what I’ll be doing). Don’t go to them when they’re crying. Get them on a schedule. You can still go out and have your old life- having a baby doesn’t mean anything has to change. I honestly pity the moms that have to go back to work three months after their unpaid maternity leave ends. Canada’s got it right, folks.
In the end, it doesn’t matter what I think about your parenting, and it definitely doesn’t matter what you think of mine. You’re going to do what you’re going to do because you feel it’s the right way to raise a child. I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing because I think it’s the best way to raise a child. There’s nothing that you can do to change my mind to not let my baby cry, and I never expected to change your mind about letting your babies cry.
There’s one thing I’m sure of- is that there’s a lot of fundamental things wrong in the United States. Here’s a theory, completely out of left field: the growing obesity epidemic, for one. And as Oprah says (along the lines of): “I’m not fat because I like cookies, I’m fat because I’m trying to cover up something.” There is just so much brain development in the first couple of years of life, you must realize how much it will effect the adult you grow into. You may not remember for crying for an hour at a time while going ignored, but it definitely has a PHYSICAL effect on you and your brain. I’m sure there are lots of obese people who weren’t left to cry, but there’s something seriously wrong with your (our) culture here, people. Also, the violence rates in the USA? Absurd! I know there are thousands of things that can go wrong in a person’s life that can lead them down wrong paths, but I think a lot of it is how you’re raised.
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One more thing: I’m a no-name blogger. Had I known that Linda was going to link my post and lead people to believe that I had said that she didn’t love her children (the quote after the link was NOT FROM ME) and immediately get Team Linda that defensive, I would have chosen my words differently or I wouldn’t have written at all. If some other no-name blogger had written something like that about me I don’t think I would have cared. I didn’t think she’d care- she knew how I felt from the few comments I left on her blog and the discussion we got into it on my first post about the topic. She was hurt by other people saying unflattering things, and from my comment about how I wondered why some people have kids. Even though you’ll probably call BULLSHIT on me, this is the truth: I do wonder why people who feel so shitty about being a parent are parents, but I didn’t specifically mean her. You can tell from her entries that she is being sarcastic and the dark things she says about her kids are supposed to be (and most of the time are) humorous. However, everyone knows a deadbeat dad, or a really shitty mom who can’t stop complaining and I really wish those people weren’t parents because it feels so shitty to be a kid when you feel that you’re nothing more than a burden. I never want my child to feel like that, so no, I won’t let him cry himself to sleep and there’s nothing wrong with that. He’s extremely independent and happy. I’m not a helicopter mom- not by a long shot- I’m protective about the things I need to be- toxic chemicals in plastic and foods, for example, but I’m NOT going to hover over my child and make sure that he doesn’t get a boo-boo until he’s in school and I can’t protect him. No way.
To sum up: It’s all in how you look at it. You think crying it out is going to let your child become independent, I say it puts cracks into their foundation and makes them even more clingy because they don’t know if they can trust you to be there. I think that if you let a baby cry in another room during the day while you tried your hardest to ignore them in another room people would be wondering about your parenting skills, even if you tried to justify it with trying to teach them a lesson. They don’t know what’s going on- they don’t know you’re trying to teach them something- they only know that you’re not there. I call that neglect. You don’t. Fine. If I had to do it all again, I wouldn’t have said a damn thing, but I didn’t expect 4000 members of Team Linda to read what I wrote. I put it out there, yes, but no one reads this stupid blog, so I’m usually basically able to say anything I want to- I write for ME, not for my handful of readers.
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As I said earlier, we’re going away for about ten days and if this kind of bullying (dare I say, “abuse”? ha!) continues, I will lock my blog while I’m away so everyone can breathe deeply and forget this ever happened. After my cute Hallowe’en pictures have been posted, of course.
Thank you for sharing your life, even though slings and arrows are out here sometimes.
