Dear Ash,
You turn 15 months old today. My memory of the past month has been clouded over by this week, because you are a completely different person than what you usually are.
We moved Ash, and you’re not happy. We moved to a bigger apartment with a backyard and every time we walk in the door from being outside, you cry. You cried when we’d come over with a stroller full of boxes, you were crying the day we were packing up our old apartment, and unfortunately, you haven’t stopped crying in a week.
We weren’t expecting this from you. We went to Georgia when you were eight months old and you were happy to be in the hotel room. Last month we went to Cuba and you were thrilled being somewhere new. This is completely out of character for you, and it’s really freaking me out! You are clingy and whiney and you constantly want to nurse, and you cry. A lot. You never cry! You never cling! You never nurse except to go to sleep! You want me beside you every minute of every day- which is something you’ve never wanted before. I used to be able to cook dinner with two hands. I used to be able to check my email throughout the day and know that you were going to be happy to play with your cars in the living room. Not anymore
Nights are horrible. The night before last was the worst night since you were ten days old and nursed from 9pm-6am straight. You wanted to nurse for HOURS and I just couldn’t do it. You didn’t fall asleep until 2am. When you wake up as you normally do for a quick nursing session, you start off by CRYING! You’ve never, not ONCE, cried at night- not even when you were brand new. It was something I was able to brag about- that because you were right beside me in bed, there was no need for you to cry, but now, things are different, and the instant you wake up, you’re either scared or mad or whatever, but you’re unhappy enough to immediately cry. I don’t know who you are.
I don’t know if you’re cold (this place is significantly colder than our last, all-inclusive, place was), I don’t know if you’re teething, I don’t know if you pick up on weird energy in this 105 year old house, I don’t know if you just don’t like it here. You have a cold, so that just adds to everything negative. I don’t know if you’re picking up on my stress level from having a half-unpacked house, and my stress level is extremely high since you’re stressed and you’re demanding so much of my energy and patience and calories.
I just want you to feel better. I want you to feel like this is our home, a happy place where you can relax and have fun again. I don’t want you to be upset. I want to make everything okay, but I can’t. I’ve tried. You whine even when we’re reading books together or drawing. And the weirdest thing is, is that you only whine around me. If I leave you in your aunt’s care, your nana’s care, or with your dad, you stop and you’re happy. What the hell is THAT all about? Huh? Why is it just me?
Anyway, I still love you. We’re going to get through this. Hopefully sooner than later.
SO! The good news is, is that you’re talking. Yes sir, brand new words come out of your mouth every day. So many words, in fact, I can’t even keep track of them. Often you just flirt with the word- you say it once and then you won’t say it again, but your understanding of English is phenomenal.
You’ve got a great understanding of these words, though you say much more than this:
• Kitty (tittah)
• Dog (doh)
• Mama
• Papa/Dada
• Nana (but you called her “Nanny” yesterday)
• Auntie (whispering au-teh), Abbah, Abbey
• Bubble (bubbl)
• Uh oh
• Digger (did-ter)
• Snowman (no-maa)
• Noodles (nana)
• Balloon (buuuuhh)
• Ball (bah)
• Blueberry (ba-boo)
• Raisin
• Tubbies
• Monkey (maintenant – the French word for “now”)
Yesterday you even said your first sentence!! You said, “Bye teletubbies” when your grandfather was taking away the VHS case and putting it in a different room. I was so happy that your nana was there to hear it too- those kinds of moments only happen once, so it was so exciting!! Plus, you really only started saying “bye” this month too, so it was a big step.
You’ve been introduced to the Teletubbies this month more than I’d like to admit. Your father and I were able to pack up our last place while you were sleeping and with the help of my mom who took care of you a lot the actual moving day, but unpacking as been mainly my responsibility and I can’t do it with you clinging onto both of my legs and sticking your head between the two of them, so you’ve been happily seated in front of Teletubbies and the Adventure of the Big Pumpkin or something like that at least once a day (never for the full hour, though), followed up by some quality time with me to bring you back from your daze and into reality and, of course, to ease some of my Mother’s Guilt. You love the Teletubbies and ask for them even when we’re spending nice time together. You say, “tubbies?” and sign “more.” I never want you to be one of those TV kids, but I’m afraid I’ve made you into one in the past week. Hopefully we can get you out of this habit.
This month there was a snowstorm, which of course sucked because it had us pretty much housebound for a few days, but it was great because you got to see lots of snowplows. One was outside of the window in our last place (we were in a basement apartment), so we stuck you on the windowsill and you got to watch it plow.
You’re still very good at signing, even surprising me with some signs. This month you’ve started signing “milk” (A LOT, SAVE ME), something I’ve done with you since you were about five months old. You pair it with saying, “milk” which I probably see and hear about a dozen times a day. We were looking at a book with a motorcycle in it before we moved and you signed “motorcycle,” something I showed you the week prior and you didn’t do- but you remembered it! It stuck in your little sponge brain and it came out just like that. It was spectacular! And you made a motorcycle sound to go with it- so there were three things there: you saw a picture of a motorcycle, you signed motorcycle and you made its noise. Seriously- you are the smartest kid I know.
I am going to spoil you with lots of playdates with other moms and babies who are having a rough time too. Maybe it’s this time of year. It’s nice to know we’re not the only ones struggling, even though I pity all of them! I can’t wait to see you happy again.
Love,
Mama
