Yesterday Ash and I were on the floor and the light was coming in just right, right on us, and he looked up and saw all the dust that floats around all the time but we only ever see when that stream of light comes into a window.
He raised his hands and acted like it was magic and he just looked at all those specks with so much happiness and glee. I told him they were stars (he loves stars) and he ooohed and ahhhed over and over. I smacked some corduroy laying beside us to make more dust and he got a thrill out of that and wanted to hit it himself, so I let him. The dust would settle down and he’d ask to do it again.
He just looked so beautiful in that light, arms above his head trying to catch the stars. So innocent, so beautiful.
And then last night as I was trying to fall asleep I held back as many tears as I could at the thought of (damnit, I just lost it again) someone else taking him to the park. I feel so selfish for wanting to see every one of his smiles. I don’t want to miss out on an instant of his young life, the time where he finds everything so interesting to look at. I feel so privlidged that I’ve been able to see him every day of his life, all day. I love watching him.
Before bed tonight, I was eating my dinner alone in the kitchen as he was playing with his toy trains quietly on the couch and I got up and quietly and moved into the hall so I could watch him, and he was so content moving them on the cushion, watching as the wheels slowly turned. He could play with his cars and trains for hours (and he does), without growing bored.
No one sees what I see. I hate that strangers and even family members have no idea really just how SPECIAL he is. I’m terrified of it being lost, unnoticed.
…
I start work on April 1. Mommy-Friends of mine will watch Ash (I’m paying them) for the first three weeks and then we go to Ontario on a much-needed and very busy vacation for two whole weeks. When we come back, he’ll be enrolled in a new corporate day care that’s opening up and costs A FORTUNE (just like any daycare). I’m going to be working Tuesday-Saturday, mostly 10-5 (plus one evening). It’s going to be a job that I enjoy, but is literally a TWENTY THOUSAND dollar salary decrease compared to what I was making in Ontario. It’s just the way it is here in NS, high paying jobs are hard to find. Ouch. It hurts to say it outloud. It means that my maternity leave (whenever I get pregnant again) will be a fraction of what it was last time, and that’s going to hurt.
I have so many mixed feelings about going back to work and putting Ash in day care. It’s been such a difficult decision. He’ll be 18-months old in two weeks, and he’s CRAZY independant and I really have no worries that he’ll feel anything but happy about going to “school” (he never, ever cries or whines or otherwise complains when I drop him off or leave him for a couple of hours or the day). When we came back from skiing the other day and I walked in the door, he really didn’t even seem to care that I was there. I feel so lucky that I’ve raised Ash to be independant like that, and that it’s actually worked. It makes life SO much easier.
I’m just going to miss the little guy so much.
