I don’t think anyone can fully understand just how overwhelming and debilitating “Mommy Brain” is until they themselves are suffering from it. For me, it goes far beyond forgetfulness or scatterbrain- it’s as though I’m living someone else’s life with no memory of my own. Ask me what I did yesterday. Go ahead. Do it. I promise I will not have an answer for you because I CANNOT REMEMBER.
Pregnancy brain was a fraction of what I’ve experienced for the past eighteen months, and with me going back to work in two weeks, oh my god, I hope it doesn’t continue. I’ll be doomed! Things that require specifics right now are almost always lost on me. My memory is completely SHOT.
I don’t know what happened, or how to get it back. Not to toot my own horn, but pre-Ash I was able to memorize a LOT, multitasking was one of my strongest skills, organization was my best friend. Now? I have lists that are only half-completed and it can take DAYS for me to remember the one thing that made me need to START that list. I’ve been trying to remember to make a call to one of the companies that sells my wares for well over a month now, and I haven’t even remembered to look up their telephone number.
Maybe when I start thinking about more than Ash’s balanced diet, his nap schedule, when he’s going to need to poop next, what things I want to sew or post on Etsy and all the other things that have been all-consuming and never changing for the past year and a half my brain will start going back to the way it used to. Or, I can crash and burn.
I’ve never been a working mother, save my jobs from home, and I’m a little scared, to be honest. There will be no daily trip to the grocery store for the one item I forgot during the previous trip. There will be lunches to pack, more laundry to do (since staying in my pajamas will no longer be an option), less family time spent together and the same amount of chores that need completing. I’m not looking forward to it. Organization will be key, whether it’s the shopping lists to not letting the dishes pile up. Last week I spent ALL week trying to get on top of them, I was washing dishes literally twice a day- full sink loads and everything, and only yesterday did the countertops get wiped down enough that I could say that I finally finished them.
There will be scheduled pick ups and drop offs of Ash, a quick dinner before Clive goes to his evening job, a bath every second night for Ash and then scoot him off to bed. I’m terrified of how little I’ll actually get to see him. My heart breaks every time I think about it.
This new lifestyle will be very uncomfortable for me, and I’m really relying on my brain going back to nearly what it was in order to make it work.
To make matters worse, I think we’re on the edge of the 18-month sleep regression. Most nights last week Ash woke up in the evening and wouldn’t fall back to sleep for a couple of hours. The worst night was, after me having him alone for about seven hours without a break and desperately NEEDING a break, when I nursed him down like normal and he stayed asleep for TEN MINUTES and then woke up and no amount of nursing or shushing would lull him at all. So, I got him up and stuck him in front of some Thomas the Tank Engine shows so I could prepare myself for the next couple of hours. It was hard. When Clive came home my heart was still racing out of annoyance and we took turns to try to put him down. It didn’t work. Ash stayed awake until 11pm when we all went to bed together. He cries so hard when Clive tries to put him down that it’s unbearable to listen to, and Clive does everything he can to sooth him, but it just doesn’t work. When I go in to rescue (both of them), Clive’s talking to him and Ash is sitting up in bed not at all tired, and just wailing. Not exactly conducive to getting a good night’s sleep.
And I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in a looooooooong time. I tend to get about 10 hours of very interupted sleep a night, so it could be much worse, but it’s still hard to cope. Ash wakes up every two hours or so, regardless of whether he’s in our bed or his little mattress beside ours (both are on the floor), and it’s nothing a little nursing won’t solve, and most of the time I can sleep right through it, but when I hear about other kids sleeping through the night, oh god, it makes me cringe and lust all at the same time. In Ash’s case, he may sleep better if he had his own room, but he doesn’t and we don’t have anywhere that CAN be made into another bedroom, so we’re stuck with him and he’s stuck with us, at least until August when we move again. But when he’s in daycare all day long and we’re apart, I tend to think I’ll have a more positive outlook on those little moments between us, even if it is at 8:30pm, 9:30pm, 11pm, 1am, 3am, 4:30am, 6am and 7am. I love cosleeping and to be honest, I wouldn’t give up a full night’s sleep if it meant missing out on all those cuddles (and kicks).
