Ash’s daycare comes with a 24hr a day webcam so that we can check in on him. It’s a great feature and I love seeing him whenever I want to. The other day I saw him playing in the “water feature” (I think it’s just a big square bucket thing), and I get to see the day care teacher walk him around to go to sleep and I get to see him eating and pushing the cars around. He loves day care, as I knew he would, and he sleeps much better now that he’s there, but I still miss him a lot and wish that I could offer the same kind of stimulation by having him home with me.
I also love my job, even if it is retail, and I get to talk to lots and lots of people very day with very similar outlooks to mine, and it’s refreshing and inspiring.
But I often feel like quitting and continuing to spend my days with my young son, and I feel guilty about that AND guilty about going to work, so I don’t know how to win. He’s just so young and I wish we had more money so this wasn’t a necessity, but it is and that’s all there is to it.
A father came into the store the other day and started to talk to me about how he raised his (now adult) son, and he said that he was never too busy for him. If his child wanted to read a book, toss a ball, or just hang out, it was never “in a minute” “maybe tomorrow” “some other time, okay?” it was always him making the time for him.
How wonderful would that feel, growing up? To know that you are the most important person, because in all reality you really ARE the most important person to your parents, and never feel like a bother. We always felt annoying or in the way or a burden by my step father when we were growing up and it was miserable. We were all plagued with such poor self esteem as children I’m surprised that we’re as successful as we are today. In some ways I’m even surprised that all three of us all made it out alive… there were some dangerous times in there and we could have made some bad choices.
I am scared of regretting going back to work for a measly $150/week (seriously, that is how much I’m making due to Ash’s day care costs) and missing this incredible time in his life. We learned yesterday that Ash could count to ten, rotating numbers with us, and I had never even heard him say the word “eight” but there it was, clear as day, right after the word “seven.” We taught him that, not a day care teacher, but there are many things that she’ll be teaching him that we aren’t- like that he plays with homemade play doh- something I’ve been wanting to do but haven’t had the chance to make yet. I am jealous that he gets to have these first experiences with someone else other than me.
I dream about keeping him at home, maybe taking care of another child too (even though I know I wouldn’t like it), and offering the same kinds of activities that they have at day care, taking him for swimming lessons and trips to the library, but I just know I’d be as distracted as I was when I was with him- he was my priority, but there was laundry to do and email to check and dishes to wash. We can’t afford classes so our days were filled with a lot of the same things and I just didn’t feel like I was able to give him everything that he needed to really flourish. He’s super, super smart- more advanced than any of his friends his age- but I still didn’t believe that I was giving him everything I could.
Ah, the neverending conflict.
Anyway, I had a hard time finishing the conversation with the dad about his son because the guilt was overwhelming me and I wanted to cry. I’ve always been confident in the decisions I’ve had to make about raising Ash the way I have, I’ve rarely had waivered in my choices, but this one is a doozy. Avoiding plastic, organic vegetarianism, extended breastfeeing etc have all been no brainers, but this one taunts me on a daily basis. I don’t know what the right answer is.
