typealice

1 | sarah

May 26th, 2009 at 9:16 pm

get an evening job, or late afternoon job that allows you to spend part of the day with him

or, find a way to market gslings so that it becomes profitable enough to rely on that for income

or, find another money making scheme you can do from home.

2 | Elaine

May 26th, 2009 at 11:07 pm

You’re only netting $150 a week, if I remember right? There has to be a way for you to pull in $30 a day (or less if you want to do a bit of work on weekends).

My mom had a little daycare at home when we were young – in Ontario there were no regulations if you are watching 5 or fewer kids, so it was all under the table and everything. She charged $20 per kid per day – even in 1995 that was ridiculously low and it’s more than what you’re making now, she usually had 3 kids, plus us.

How many slings/bags would you have to sell to make $150? Can you sell that many in a week?

How many days a week does Clive work? Can you work on his days off? Then of course you wouldn’t see him as much, hmm.

If you don’t mind me asking how much do you get paid? You could do some crazy calculus to figure out the tipping point between Ash’s daycare costs and your income to figure out the optimum balance and you know what, I bet it would result in you working fewer hours.

Can Ash come with you to work some days?

3 | typealice

May 27th, 2009 at 3:51 am

Elaine: After taxes I bring in $660/pay cheque. Ash’s day care is $630/month. So I basically get to keep one pay cheque. Clive can’t contribute to Ash’s day care costs because his substancially larger income is dedicated to pay off his debt, which I don’t think is fair in the slightest, but what can ya do.

Also, by “keep” my paycheque, I mean pay my share of the bills: car insurance, RESP, groceries, internet/phone bill and anything else extra.

In order to cover expenses with the slings, I’d have to make about a zillion of them, including starting a strong marketing scheme and trying to sell them outside of the province. I just don’t think, with the nature of my materials, can I make enough to make it worth it.

Clive works five days a week, sometimes six. He has a second job in the evening and needs that job to continue avoiding overdraft on his loan payments. This cancels out my ability to work evenings. I work on Saturdays already so Ash can spend a day away from daycare and with Clive. We have most Sundays together as a family.

No, Ash can’t come to work with me. He’s far too active to sit there and play for eight hours, sadly.

4 | Jessica

May 27th, 2009 at 5:25 am

So, are the people who say he needs to spend time away from you also people with very young children in daycare? Just like all the other parenting issues and decisions: boob/ bottle, cloth/ disposable, cosleep/ crib, this is one of those contentious issues that people will argue and defend to make themselves feel better about their own situations. Unfortunately only you can make the decision.

I can’t sympathize with you, only imagine how hard it could possibly be. If I were any kind of responsible adult myself, I would have a job right now and Frances would be in some type of childcare situation. After we pay our mortgage, bills and feed ourselves, we have pretty much nothing. I can’t remember the last time I bought something for myself and I live in total fear that our furnace will explode or the roof will fall in. Shit, I even buy the cheep complements brand cheese! But for me personally I can be totally poor and happy as long as I am with Frances. As long as she is the only child, I figure I have three more years of being poor before she starts school, then I can start working again. Unless the roof leaks, then something might have to change.

It is hard work being home with your child all day, trying to keep them socialized and mentally stimulated. Especially on a very tight budget, but there are tons of free things to make and do.

I personally feel very strongly about staying at home, but in no way judge those who don’t. I hope you find a way to either change your situation or feel good about going back to work.

Wanna go into business together!

5 | Shannon

May 27th, 2009 at 6:30 am

It seems like you enjoy working, and he enjoys daycare. It sounds like a win/win situation overall. I wouldn’t stress it as long as everyone is happy…

6 | Erica

May 27th, 2009 at 6:39 am

I’ve always been under the impression that you got the job because of TTC so that you can go on maternity leave when you have another baby. If you are no longer TTC, isn’t this problem solved? Unless you are debating over whether or not it’s better for Ash?

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer. There are women who are miserable as SAHMs, and I don’t think that it’s good for anyone if they stay at home; likewise, if you are this unhappy at work I don’t think it benefits anyone. It never sounded like you were remotely this unhappy as a SAHM. As far as Ash I think that there are pros and cons to both possibilities but it also sounds like you’ve done a great job raising a happy, independent, adaptable little guy and whatever works for you, you can make it work for him.

7 | Tayla

May 27th, 2009 at 12:32 pm

I totally and completely empathize with you Gillian. Though I work in a mall, day in and day out I see parents with their kids, and I am wildly jealous, wishing that I could be at home with Emmalee. I know that Jared misses his days with her too (I worked 3x a week, he worked 4.)

Now she’s in daycare 5 days a week. I work 5 (soon to be sometimes six) and Jared works 5 too. We all get Sundays off together (again, that won’t be all the time over the summer.) My sole consolation is that Emmalee LOVES he daycare, and that they provide her with so much love and attention and stimulation. They also share similar beliefs in parenting, and are somewhat helping with the EC/potty learning. Its also VERY small, with a max of 15 kids.

I know where you’re at. In the end, you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do to make ends meet. It got pretty bad for us before we made the decision to put Emm in care. We made the right decision though, for us. And that’s all you can do for your family.

<3

8 | Elaine

May 27th, 2009 at 1:00 pm

hmm… but where did you get the $150 figure? I make Ash’s daycare out to be $157.50 a week. 660 – 157.50 = 502.50. You’re right, that is a bigger chunk of change and not so easy to make up elsewhere.

In any case, what about the home daycare scenario?

9 | typealice

May 27th, 2009 at 1:43 pm

Elaine: I get two $660 cheques per month. Ash’s daycare comes out to $620 every month. I get to “keep” $40 for one paycheque and the full $660 for the second paycheque. Granted, there are more than four weeks per month, so it might be a little more than that in the end.

10 | typealice

May 27th, 2009 at 1:44 pm

(I get the $150 figure by dividing $600 by four weeks)

11 | Siobhan

May 27th, 2009 at 4:32 pm

I think Elaine was confused, as was I, because initially you said that you make $660 a week, not every two weeks.
I know that this is something that you probably would have looked into, but is there a daycare subsidy that you would qualify for. At least then it would make more financial sense for you to do what you’re doing. Also, what about web design? Your sites are so nice. Is that the kind of job that a company would hire you for and you could it do from home? I’m so ignorant about that entire industry.

12 | typealice

May 27th, 2009 at 4:53 pm

Oopsie, sorry- I screwed that one up. I fixed it now.

Web design is hard- it’s an oversaturated industry and hard to make your mark. All of my business is from word of mouth and that’s the way it’s always been. It’s often time consuming work and often not worth the hassle. Also, a lot of people just aren’t willing to put down the money it takes to make a quality website, or, they’re looking for something more advanced than what my skills have to offer.

I am looking further into day care subsidy, I have information from my neighbour on it, but I think Clive may make too much for us to qualify. If he didn’t have the debt he has right now, we’d be in a MUCH better position than we are currently, but that’s what I’ve married into (I’m completely debt free, fwiw) and our reality.

13 | typealice

May 27th, 2009 at 4:55 pm

The other issue is that I don’t want to screw over my boss and quit. I’m her only full time staff, and if I leave, she’s literally screwed. There aren’t many mothers out there who can take on a nearly minimum wage full time and put their child in day care, and the two part timers that she has only work one day a week each and can’t work more than that.

14 | Carmen

May 27th, 2009 at 6:38 pm

One thing you need to remember is you don’t owe anything to your boss (unless she’s a close person to you outside of work). If she can’t pay enough to employ people..that is not your fault. Not saying it’s her fault either, it’s just reality. Unless things are different in Canada than in America, she can fire you at will. Am I correct? B/c if she can, then you can quit at will. Don’t stay out of loyalty to her.
I have no real opinion of whether it’s best for him to be with you or in day care. But I think you’re way too dedicated to someone you’ve worked for for a couple months.

15 | Char

May 27th, 2009 at 8:01 pm

I don’t really know you so I can’t say for sure, but it seems like the trouble and frustration you’re experiencing from being away from Ash isn’t worth the $700 a month income.

16 | busybee

May 28th, 2009 at 4:53 am

I feel that kids benefit from some type of socialization away from their parents. School teaches sharing, problem solving, different routines, exposes him to so many personality types. As I have met Ash now, I can say that he is well adjusted, very happy and secure with your relationship and confident, from what you say he loves daycare.
I would decide what the BARE MINIMUM amount of money is that you would feel comfortable bringing home. Work only that amount, then Ash is still getting the benefits of learning how to socialize with kids his age out of the eye of his Mumma and you get to have a life outside of the home as well. Money and having debt paid down cannot replace the time you spend with your kids. If you feel like you are missing out on time with Ash and will regret it later, hard decisions need to be made as well as some hard sacrifices.
Good luck, it truly is about finding a balance, which is about trial and error and lots of time.
P.S It was great seeing you guys the other week, I’m glad I finally got to meet Ash.

17 | p

May 28th, 2009 at 1:43 pm

This is such a painful post to read, Gillian. I can tell how much this decision is tearing you up, and I’m sorry it’s so hard.

I do not believe that Ash SHOULD be with other people all day; frankly I think it’s a ridiculous argument to make for any child this young. Kids should be with people who love them, as much as possible. But it’s that last part that’s the kicker–unfortunately, it is just not always possible to do the very best thing for our children, I’m finding. Your second-best scenario, where Ash is being cared for in a safe and healthy environment (that you can even spy on!) is so much better than other people’s second-best scenario, and I’m really glad that he’s enjoying the daycare environment. But it does you a disservice to pretend that this decision isn’t difficult, or that your feelings of wanting to be home with Ash are invalid.

It seems like your instincts (to keep him close and spend as much time with him as possible while he’s this young) are bang-on, but your circumstances (you need to work) are preventing you from following them. As a parent who has followed her instincts every step of the way, it must be killing you. To respond to that by saying “It’s GREAT for him to be away from you all week!” is kind of mean.

Are there any other care options that you can look into that are part-time, that could reduce/change your hours (like if you worked in the evenings, when Clive was home, something like that)? I feel silly even making suggestions; I’m sure you’ve thought of everything.

You are a really loving mother, Gillian, and I can understand why this decision is so hard for you. Ash is clearly continuing to thrive, though, and while I don’t think daycare is the best option at this age, it is clearly a really solid second-best, one that you don’t need to feel guilty about. Sad, yes; but I hope you can let go of the guilt, because you are doing the best that you can for Ash, and he’s so lucky to have you looking out for him.

18 | Gillian

May 29th, 2009 at 6:06 am

It would seem like an easy decision, wouldn’t it? We’re both happy- he’s happy at school and I like my job enough that it makes me happy, but my INSTINCTS are screaming that this is not the right decision.

I must say that I wouldn’t describe how I’m feeling as “guilty.” I think that if he cried when I dropped him off in the morning because he was unhappy that he was there, I’d feel guilty that I was making this decision for us, but because he’s happy to go, I don’t feel guilt. It just feels wrong. Penelope, you’re right, because I have followed ALL of my instincts thus far, this decision is the hardest one I’ve had to make because for the first time in my parenting life, I’m going against what I know is right for us.

Clive and I did our budget the other night and figured out that with Ash’s day care costs (this month it works out to $36.50/day, yikes) and the loss of Clive’s income from having to stay home on the weekend instead of working on Saturdays like he has been for the past year and a half, we’re actually only coming out on top about $100-$200 extra between the two of us. For the entire month. It’s a slap in the face that my job isn’t quite worth it when you put it on paper like that, even though it means I don’t have to dip into my measly savings to pay my portion of the bills and Clive can spend more time with Ash and less time at work.

I know I don’t owe my boss anything, but I tend to be a pretty loyal employee and I know she relies on me. I also really, really love working there and would be sad if I had to stop completely.

The answer may be to pick up some after hours web work from her (since she’s thinking about hiring someone to do that soon anyway) and cut down my daytime hours at the store and have Ash in daycare for only three days a week, which is much more manageable and feels better.

19 | Ashley

May 31st, 2009 at 10:07 am

It’s beyond me why so many people think day care and school are the only places where children will learn to be socialized. It’s not like people who chose to parent their own children and/or homeschool keep them in the house all day long and allow no other authority figures into their lives.

There’s some very narrow gazes in that regard.

And most children will also thrive even in circumstances that no parent here would ever wish upon their kid or any other. So the “but he LIKES daycare!” point is a little empty in my books.

You need to do what feels right to you as a parent.

20 | Gillian

May 31st, 2009 at 3:59 pm

Ashley- I agree with you- even CLIVE said that he thinks daycare is a good thing for Ash because it would “socialize” him, and I just couldn’t believe that he thought of it that way because of how often I see other moms and spend time with their children. My main mom friends have a weekly playdate, but it was only rarely that I would have a day with Ash indoors and all to myself. It makes me crazy when I have to stay couped up with no contact with the outside world.

The fact that Ash enjoys day care is *not* empty in my books. I’m thrilled that he seems to enjoy it there, because the fact is- I need to bring in money in order to cover my part of the bills, and unless I want to quit my job completely and take in another child (which I DO NOT WANT TO DO at all) or take on a night job- evenings are out since Clive needs to work in the evenings- which I can’t do because I need to sleep at some point, I’m glad that he is excited to go to school in the mornings and isn’t upset when I have to leave him there. Ideal, no… but as my only option thus far, I’m just happy that he’s happy.